How to Develop a God Complex

Do you have a menial job? Are you a cube dweller? Are you low person on the totem pole? Have you ever wished you could convince yourself you were a deity in order to feel better, but just didn't know how? Well here's my foolproof plan.

Step one, get yourself some peas. Fresh, steamed peas are the best, but properly cooked frozen are acceptable (canned is right out unless you are truly desperate). On a flat, clean surface (you may want to prep with saran wrap) line the peas up into a rank and file of your choosing.

Now, take pick up one pea at random with your fingers, drop it in your mouth and pin it between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. Now suck hard until the pea pops, squirting pea goo onto your tongue and leaving behind the sad, empty husk. Repeat with another pea.

While doing this, imagine as vividly as possible that the peas are a race of tiny green beings that you are sacrificing to your whim. Make up dialog where some of the pea-people say "no, no please... I have a family" and you say "they are next!"... or as you pick one up it says "but why?" and you say "Because. My ways are mysterious and ineffable!".

For bonus realism play a tribal drum track in the background. You can also decorate the "sacrificial arena" with votive candles - with toothpicks stuck in them upon which some whole peas are skewered.

Continue to eat them until there are only a few left. Dub these your "chosen peas", take them outside, and drop them in the garden. Revel in the fact that although you are at the mercy of forces greater than yourself - you are the sole power over the pea-people!

Tell me you don't feel better... and my god complex therapy isn't just a great stress reliever - it's healthy for you too! Remember, they recommend you eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables per day! This exercise is also great for children, but watch out if they start turning up in your bedroom watching you sleep while wearing a green cape. I'm just saying...