Little Devil

Ha-Ha! I have your number Little Debbie... It was only a matter of time before that redhead stopped hiding behind her wholesome image and came right out with it! I knew she would tire of selling Cosmic Brownies and Oatmeal Creme Pies.

You think you could ease the clueless public into eating your blasphemous confections... with your "Devil Cremes Cakes" and now this! Why don't you call them what you really mean... Satan Squares! Don't think you can pull the wool over my eyes Little Debbie - I see you as the dark lord worshipper that you are - even if you do try and cover it up by selling "Angel Food Cakes"...

Now that I'm done with my Scooby-style unmasking, let me point out that Little Debbie is also sponsoring NASCAR vehicle #21.

Several things on this... At first snack cakes seemed incongruous with NASCAR, but then I thought about it... who is the target market for Little Debbie? I mean, between Budweisers the fans sometimes tire of pork-rinds and might crave something sweet. A brilliant move on their part.

Did anyone notice that #21 is co-sponsored by the Air Force? Should a branch of the world's most powerful military force really be playing (small) second fiddle to a girl in a bonnet? Shouldn't the USAF have their own car - and shouldn't they be allowed to put an afterburner on it?

Here we are on the last lap of the Daytona 500 and the Air Force car #21 is in first place... as they come around the last corner it is a close finish with the Little Debbie car #666 coming up fast... Captain Richards, pilot of the #21 car accelerates into the straightaway and... oh, my... it seems the #21 car has taken flight. The #666 car takes that lead and will clench this victory. Hold on... it seems Capt. Richards has circled back around for a strafing run... it looks like he is too close for missiles... yes, he's switching to guns aaaand... yep he has just neutralized the Little Debbie car. Score another win for the boys in blue.

BTW, what must this sponsorship do for the manhood of Ken Schrader, driver of #21? I mean at least the guy in the Tide car has a cool color scheme... and doesn't have a little girl on his hood. Though, perhaps this has psychological value when passing other cars... maybe on the back of the car it says "you just got passed by a little girl in blue plaid".

Rocky Waters

This personal poetic work is allowed on the site because... well, I'll tell you afterwards.

Curled for warmth against the night
I try to embrace sweet sleep
But my by bed is ever shifting
As the oceans dark and deep

Peak and trough the rolling waves
Dig in your claws and fight
The pitch and yaw of heaving deck
Through to morning light

Cast upon the swaying water
Tossed on restless seas
Fragile is my slumbering
Between my master's knees

For I'm a feline pedigreed
Queen of hearth and home
So through the night I wonder
though not I am alone:

Why am I doomed
to sleep on
the ever rocky waters
that is my human?

So why did I include it? Because I'm expressing myself! Alright, that and because this was inspired by a text message partially included in the last stanza. See, if you want to become as random as me you must 1) watch "Who's Line is it Anyway" ('though someone should tell Ryan Stiles that homosexual overtones in humor can be over-used... or just plain beaten to death... other than that, love you man) and 2) surround yourself with "unique" friends.

What's a "unique" friend? Let's just say you know them when you see them ;) Here's to all my friends - "odds are, at any given moment, something funny is happening to one of us".

How to Market to Men

Now, to be fair I placed the magazine for the photo op, but it was sitting directly across the aisle, alone, with the corn chips. I put it back in case the guy who left it there came back. I mean, he's probably armed and munchy - you don't want to cross that.

Beer Prayer

This was passed on to me by a friend - it puts the right light on religion. I mean Christians have it all wrong... Remember Jesus' water-to-wine trick? This is obviously a dude that when he said: this is the covenant "poured out for you" - he didn't mean a skimpy little shot of Manischewitz! I mean, look at the long history between monks and beer...

Down at the Dollar Store

I always wondered how they got their stuff so cheap. Explains the quality too... Not that I'm bashing the store - it's the only place to stock up on chem-lights and mylar balloons.

A Lady on a Bike Just Flew By

I'm not one to post "what happened today" kinda posts, but I have to mention to someone that there are serious winds whipping outside. I mean apocalyptic howling coyote kinda winds. The kind that make me wonder what the home insurance policy really says in it's "tornado" clause.

It reminds me of the two $2 kites we lost this weekend - half the "industrial grade" plastic ripped right off. Well, that's what I get for buying "hobby grade" kites instead of "toys" (this inside joke brought to you by Asshole Hobbies - "Asshole Hobbies: we take our toys waaay too seriously").

That fuzzy speck you see dead center, above the horizon (just below a cloud transition) is my kite after it was "liberated" by the wind. For sale: 200' of string, lightly used, 87 cents, OBO...

Waiting for My Buddy to Come Back

I was climbing into my car from one of my favorite places - the grocery store - when I looked over to see this pup in the back seat of the next car. He looked sweet, so I tried to say hi... but he didn't look at me. He kept staring at the front door of the store. He was waiting for his owner to come back... with unwavering patience. This is why we love our pets. You don't have to do a certain thing. You don't have to be a certain way. They just love having you around.

Following Directions

About Time for a URL

Alright, another public service announcement for you (two in one day - you must be on the edge of your seats). Try something for me. It's a matter of trust. Click on this link

And (poof) you are right back here. See, would I lead you wrong? Well, not on links - I have a reputation to uphold. Or on food - I have good sources for that info. So, seeing as how this blog means a lot to me, I thought I'd finally take the plunge and buy the domain. So when you tell all your friends about this oasis of mundane humor, you can simply say "frostymoments.com"... I mean why are the Blogger blogs at "blogspot.com" anyway... and when will it become frostymoments.google.com? Any which way, now I'm prepared.

Also, I know this site is going to explode into a national phenomenon any second, and I don't want to have to buy my own name from some cyber-squatter for $1.4 million.

Yep. It'll be taking off aaaany second.

Anyone know a good solitaire game?

Time Travel Warning

Now I am dedicated to both daily(ish) posts and quality entertainment. To this end I have conquered time travel to go back and change some posts. I wanted to mention it just in case you missed something I modified in the last week or so. Oh, and you never know when someone is going to go and leave a comment. Or I comment on a comment. Or they comment on my commenting on... well, you get the idea.

Party Stix

Need I say more?

Probably not, because you know me. But let's take the package one line at a time.

Party Stix. That sums up the euphemism right there. The title is what caught my eye in the first place.

The photo. If I mention "reach around", how many readers will I lose? Well, most of you are close friends anyway and know I'm willing to cross the line in the name of humor. Besides, I'll gain 10 times what I lose because of a bump up in search engine rankings ;)

"The Pretzel Men". Well that doesn't put the picture in a better light. I mean, that tag-line and those outfits just scream "Cirque du Soleil porno".

Pretzels. Yeah right, the pretzels I know are tied in neat little bows. The product these degenerates are offering are a thin, phallic shape and are proud to be "all natural".

It ends by pointing out that this product contains "sodium", "other nutrients", and stuff you should probably read up on.

Now I'm poking fun here, but do you really think that nobody in the long line of people who were involved in making this product said "hey, if you read this the wrong way..."? The investment bankers, the bakers, the marketing folks, the assembly-line workers, the packers, the shelf-stockers - not a one has snickered at the thought of people enjoying their "party sticks"?

Free-Association and Pinky Bets

So it all starts innocently enough: a beer-fueled free association session of movie trivia. It began when my friend noted that William Shatner (Ok, juvenile moment - I had to look up his name because I couldn't believe I never noticed the "shat" in his last name) was too old to be "doing that role" on that commercial where they take original movie footage and insert a new aside plugging a product. Is it insurance... I forget. Memorable commercials whose product you forget is a topic for another day. Britney Spears did one. "Mini-me" did one...

So I reply to my afore-mentioned friend "hey, he hasn't aged that bad - not like Chevy Chase in that grocery store slap-stick commercial" - again, what was that commercial for? Anyway, in that commercial he looks like his make-up was done by a funeral home. BTW, I now happen to know a funeral home chain owner)

My friend responds with: "You know who aged really poorly - that guy from 48 Hours."
"Ah, that guy that plays the cop?"
"Yeah!"
"What's his name... oh, Jack Bower."
"No, that's Kiefer Sutherland - this guy played a cop with Eddie Murphy."
"Hmmm..."
"Yeah, he was also on Night Court."

Now let me take an aside to note that I swear he mentioned Night Court. This led me to think he was talking about Harry Anderson. But alas, it wasn't Harry Anderson that I was picturing - it was Judge Reinhold... who looks like Anderson and got stuck in my head because he played a farcical judge in 'Clerks: the Animated Series'.

I'm sure you are curious so let me head you off - I rented Clerks the cartoon thinking it was just "Clerks" the original (which I'd never seen) - the original turns out to be harder to find than say 'Apocalypse Now: Redux'. It is also a movie that is a serious let-down after a lifetime of mournful "you must have crawled from under a large boulder if you haven't seen Clerks" looks. Hey you smug bastards, I feel the same way when you haven't seen 2001. At this juncture I thought I would have a good tie-in, but 'Apocalypse' was directed by Coppola and '2001' was from Kubrick (the alliteration threw me). You want to know my Clerks ignorance? I had no idea it was in black and white. Let me get you back on track with my flashback - Eddie Murphy was in both '48 Hours' and 'Beverly Hills Cop' (48 had 1 sequel, Beverly Hills had 2). They also both feature cops that are "black and white"... eh? see that tie in? eh? Who's the master of free-association now?! And this is exactly how those conspiracy theory chain e-mails get started...

Get on with it! (big crowd)

And I am also a fan of The Holy Grail - the funny one, not that other one that led to the crusades. BTW, there is no mention of the grail in the Bible. True followers prickle at the confusion - they point out that the grail myth is a completely different work of fiction. So back to our story...

My friend was trying to remember Nick Nolte - and he had a point about him aging poorly... I mean, look at those pictures. Other than one shot where he looks a little like Kenny Rogers, he's had a rough lot in life (I've always wondered if the bible was the inspiration to that saying).

If you've stuck with me this long you are either really interested in hearing about that bet, or you completely forgot about it and are just waiting for the funny part. Well, this is it - like life, it is all the funny part... so enjoy it as it happens because there is no punch-line. Except for death. Now that's funny.

All I am trying to do is establish a precedence for what happened next. This is where the story begins for most normal people. My friend, don't-refer-to-me-by-my-haircolor-Laura, and I are talking and somehow got on the topic of being prepared. I forget who quipped about 'The Princess Bride' first, but there was mention of inventorying a wheelbarrow and "have fun storming the castle". If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm giving you the "you live under a rock" stare right now. After establishing between us that it was Billy Crystal who played Miracle Max ("you know, the guy from City Slickers") I produced the trigger "that girl from Taxi" and she amazingly produced Carol Kane playing Max's wife.

After a pause (and a swig of Guinness - "2 for 1 'till midnight") I wondered out loud - what was the robe that they had in Princess Bride. "You know, the one Andre the Giant had"... and I proceed to butcher an attempt at the pertinent lines from the script. This causes a cloud of thought to descend on her face. We brainstorm to a chorus of "oooh, ooh" and "gawd, I know this".

We poll our friends. We query strangers at the bar. I unsuccessfully attempt to IM Google for the answer. I text a friend who is as weird as I am about looking up questions online. He must have been passed out from Molson XXX or at the laundromat because he didn't reply. Finally, I come up with "cloak". Yes! It is a cloak - but what kind of cloak? I offer up "Chaos Cloak" or possibly "Armageddon Cloak". Laura disagrees on both counts.

The more I say it, the more "Chaos Cloak" rolls off the tongue. She is doubtful, but offers no better answer. After much vexed thought our beer-brewing friend steps in and offers to call his trivia Googling friend. While he is brokering the question Laura and I make the pact. Out come the pinkies - on my end I bet "Chaos Cloak" on hers "anything else". The stakes? A post on our respective blogs, announcing to the world who was right. We clench digits and the bet is sealed!

Now don't jump to conclusions dear reader - you have come too far for me to casually give away the ending. Just because of the bet's nature, my making this post doesn't mean that I necessarily lost the bet. I could be bragging in an extended manner about her failure and my superior trivial knowledge - "gloating" as you will.

Let me take this opportunity to mention her blog Cybermenology - a lovely stop in cyberspace, but I am disdainful at her posting frequency. She's obviously too caught up in hard copy reading (they still print books?)... though I do admire her post lengths, something that I have unintentionally mimicked in this post. It is worth a visit for the icons alone ("oh Ani UR so emo").

So the trivia maven on the phone informed us that it was actually the "holocaust cloak" (don't worry about the off-color reference, the screenplay is by William Goldman). Give me some credit, "holocaust" is squarely in the middle of the lexical continuum between "chaos" and "Armageddon". Oh, was I supposed to lead up to telling you the answer? Maybe there is a punchline after all... but the joke is on you. Yes, that was the life metaphor I was looking for. I mean really, what did you expect - she pulled out Carol Kane from the top of her head. Well, that and the fact that I bet my answer against "everything else". You should have know the answer earlier... I'm not the gloating type.

I guess the moral of the whole story is... well, #1 never to gamble with high stakes. And #2, the human mind is a giant "pattern matching machine". We are damn good at seeing connections and recognizing what we are looking for - even when our brain is hazed by cheap Jameson shots. But remember, sometimes our faculties fail us - so you should always remember lesson #1 ;)

BTW, Mini-Me was played by Verne Troyer, and unless this bio page is wrong, his birthday is 1/1/69. What are the odds - this being a New-Years post? I think I'll start a chain email about it.

Useful Pets 2

The ASPCA also warns that using your cat as a cup holder may lead to unamused looks.

Calves Liver

Sure, I should have expected interesting things on the menu from a diner with offensive railings and exclusively illuminated by pink lights - but what's this?

Between the "ham with fruit sauce" and "salmon patties" we have: "sauteed milk fed calves liver". Now let me put aside their grammatical issue for a moment. I ask myself several things. What would a calf be eating other than milk? Does this mean all the other calves whose livers I have eaten may have been raised on a diet of cold pizza and fast food? Pondering oddness of this culture-shock moment was almost as amusing as earnestly trying to convince our friend at the table that some cruel non-free-range calf farms have bred long-haired cattle that they velcro to the walls for their entire life.

On second thought, maybe this is a subtle way of telling the consumer "you are guaranteed not to get Mad Cow Disease by eating this". Ah yes, that lovely scare we got because the brain matter of cows was being fed to other cows. As one comedian said "this is something we have to be told is a bad idea"?! Perhaps the menu should have more clearly stated "sauteed liver from a non-zombie cow". Interestingly they specify that the animal is young (calf), but do not nail down the species (is this whale liver?)...