Dodge a Deer

Top right corner of the emblem, see that brown sliver? That is a deer hair. I'm sure you are at a loss as to how it got there... but here's the story anyway.

Before I get into my story, here's the humorous cliff notes. I hit a deer. I drive a "Dodge". The logo is a ram, with head lowered to charge. And now back to the story.

Leaving work on the cusp of dark last night I turn out of the parking lot onto a mostly residential road. Doing just over 30 I'm tooling along, trying to dodge the manhole covers that seem strategically placed to be hit. I mean, you always hit a couple and remember "this is that road with the stupid recessed manhole covers". After hitting a few more you figure out how to shy away from the center line to avoid them. Then, just as you learn to do that, the procession of holes shifts so that you catch one dead-center. The last one seems to move on a daily basis in a completely random fashion. I swear a crew is out there every morning with a shovel and a background radiation amplifier figuring out whether to put the last hole on the left or right of the lane.

So, while mentally calming myself for the running of the gauntlet ahead of me, a message slowly filters in from my occipital lobes... There is something brown in my lane. Something rather big and brown. Rather rapidly the fuzzy image processing parts of me realize "hey, that's a deer (female) standing perpendicular to me in my own lane". Reflexively I start slowing and aim left. With this, the deer (let's call her Jane) decides that since she is almost at the far right curb already, she should abort the crossing and return to the left side of the road from whence she came (if you don't know that joke about swimming the English channel, I'll tell it to you some time).

Upon noticing that Jane has turned around and started back across the road like she's doing a "Russian Shuttle-run" I start doing a little back of the envelope physics extrapolation. I come to the realization 1) we are on a collision course and I should lock my brakes and 2) after locking them (something I didn't know I could do on my car) that I was not going to stop in time. In the last moments I had time to register the fact that for all the back-woods driving at dusk I have done (refer to my recent move to "the city") this will be the first time I actual hit a deer.

Seen them - all the time. Had to dodge / stop to yield right of way? Sure. Honk, roll down my window, and ask them to please move - once or twice. Actually, only now do I recall that I had hit a deer before. Once while barreling along at 75 a deer flashed in front of me at a full run - the speed and timing such that he lept from my right and I managed to graze his arse with my right bumper corner. When you see the new Lexus IS commercial where they drop a car from a helicopter, you will know what kind of timing was involved. I think the deer walked away from that one and the car was fine.

But I wasn't thinking about that last night. At this point in the story I was thinking about how I have really grown to enjoy my car's rounded lines. Nothing fancy, just a clean look. That, and "I don't like killing harmless animals". So, with that final thought amid the squealing tires I make contact with Jane full broadside.

I smash into her at a bone-crushing 3 mph or so. It's just enough to knock her off her feet so that she leans on the hood as I take her for a 2 foot car ride. When the last of my kinetic energy departs, she is deposited back on the ground, staggers a bit and then runs off. Well, that's not true - it takes the width of the other lane for her to regain her footing while walking... and she sticks her tongue out at me.

This deer had the audacity to cross the road in the dark, taking her time - strolling along... not watching for vehicles... not wearing reflective gear... she runs into my path (while I'm trying to avoid her) and then gives me a good ole deer F.U. before taking off! And all I got for the whole ordeal was a single hair wedged in my hood emblem! Some nerve!