Foreign Policy

Per my wise friend:

There's always heathens somewhere that need eradicatin'

Technical Difficulties

For some reason my posts were failing. And yes, I was too lazy to manually put them through. Email picture to computer, manual upload... you know, it doesn't sound like a lot of work if I start listing it out. Oh, just be glad I'm filling in the gaps.

The Downfall of Bar Music

This is a jukebox. Stylish design - nice. Touch screen - informative. Coin slot - old but useful. Dollar slot - a sign of inflationary times. A credit card reader... wait, what?! Oh dear god!

I took this picture as a "sign of the times" piece, but then it slowly sunk in... this is a cautionary tale about technology momentum. This is where natural trends in technology are applied to new fields and not truly scrutinized in the new system. A credit-card reader is a natural progression for convenience with rising jukebox prices (the companies can't get their tunes off Napster anymore I guess) and decreasing numbers of customers carrying cash. But what does this mean in practice? That drunk people will have near limitless easy buying power to line up the entire soundtrack to their high school years in the 80's, holding the whole bar subject for hours. "OMG, Up Where We Belong - I love that song!"

Now I've never seen this machine in operation, so perhaps it is much better than I thought. Perhaps they brought economic lessons learned at EBay and utilized them. Perhaps you can bid on time slots. Did some biker-jacket-wielding baseball-cap-head just use his Hooters credit card to buy 15 back to back Billy Yates songs? Well, let the bidding begin.

Maybe you offer a max of $3 for the next song slot so you can interject a sanity relieving track from Malevolent Creation. Unless hat-boy ups his 75 cent bid to best your 80 cents, he will be treated to "Supremacy Through Annihilation" instead of "Daddy Had A Cardiac and Mama's Got A Cadillac". I can see this kind of bidding leading to some fights and massive profit for the jukebox machine. But how violent could it get compared to subjecting drunk people to the entire discography of Michael Bolton?

P.S. Luv ya, Billy Yates... and BTW, Malevolent Creation is a hard-core death metal band which is part of a sub-genre known as "Florida death metal". People, I am not making this shit up. The started in Buffalo though. Thank you again, Wikipedia.

Florida death metal is more rigid and percussive than the Swedish variant, more precise, refined and traditional.

Indiana Jones Candle

This is a hundred-hour bee's wax candle from Candtec. Just marvel. It boldly straddles the line between "nice solution" and "WTF"... All I'm saying is that it wouldn't last 100 minutes around a kid with a penchant for licorice.

Why Cats Are Funny 2

Cat ability #29 - the capability to cram themselves into small places. This of course led to a mummified cat in an Irish pipe organ, but that's beside the point. Really, do you want me to post that picture?

A Brilliant Toast!

I love this bar, but the bartenders get a little too caught up in presentation to focus on service.

PB and What?

211160960015118A BEST BY OCT062007

Hey, I have one of those! I feel so lucky. Brings new meaning to "Best By".

Snow, and Following Directions

ANGLE SNOWPLOW AWAY FROM BUILDING

Yep, that sign is about 6 feet above the ground. I have to say, this is the kind of classic picture I strive for.

Romantic Dinner

Here's to the power of the Web 2.0! User created content and all that jazz. My hat goes of to anyone that is out there creating something new. In the spirit of WWWII (World Wide Web 2.0 ©) let me share something personal about myself, for those of you who don't know me already (and haven't reverse-Googled the things I have mentioned). I live around Binghamton, NY... "Greater Binghamton" as the paid spin-doctors say - "the Southern Tier" if you please... or "the triple cities" (for those who overlook that there are more than three or only one city, depending on perspective).

Why would I share this with you? Am I gradually working my way into putting a webcam in my bedroom? Am I beginning to photograph my face every day for six years? Nay... I just think there is sometimes additional humor to be derived from context. For example - it makes more sense that I was complaining about green grass and a lack of snow in January when you know that I live at 42 degrees latitude.
What inspired this disclosure? Valentine's day of course. I was searching for great restaurants to go to, and came across a list of The Best Spots for a Romantic Dinner in Binghamton, New (they truncated "New York", not me).

It is from this article we learn that:

The Spot is one of the best places that you can go for a romantic time at a restaurant.

This tops the list above "The Whole in the Wall" and the venerable "No. 5" restaurant. I'm a bit at a loss of words... I just can't quantify what kind of inside joke this is for anyone that has visited The Spot. It isn't "similar to a diner" - it is a diner. This is indicated by their round-the-clock hours and their newest addition - a giant red LED signboard out front. Or the stainless trimmed counter you can sit at. Or the Greek cuisine.

I'm not going to bash the service or the food... and I sure as hell am not badmouthing diners - they are some of my favorite places to eat. I love a great deal on eggs, potatoes, and ham all scrambled together with hot sauce. It's just that I'm not going to put a diner over the No. 5 as "best place for a romantic dinner". Perhaps it's because the "mood lighting" of the place is pink. Not pink tinged, but pink-pink.

And the value? Maybe they have a different menu for late night, when I tend to go there, but their prices irk me. What is it - $2.65 for two eggs and $2.45 for one? Many a joke has been made about how special that egg must be. Maybe it is the variety of food that Dan admires - perhaps his picture of romance is splitting an order of "milk fed calves liver".

Oh, I'm not cold-hearted... I can see how it would be somewhat of an intimate setting to chat with someone and have a good time (even when you aren't drying out at 2am), but I would recommend saving The Spot as the place you go for that "first date cup of coffee". Not the "this better be perfect because it's Valentine's day" restaurant.

So what am I doing? I'm going to Outback thank you very much... if this infernal snowfall ever lets up. It's not looking good though... shoveling my driveway was like painting the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. Maybe I'll test my "gasoline as icemelt theory". Yeah, I nominate myself as most likely to attempt my own "Mythbusters" episode and ending up only making the Darwin Awards. Didn't we get the inspiration for the "methane 'n milk jug" from them? Don't worry Adam and Jamie - I left instructions for my estate not to sue you.

How to Tell You Live in the 2000's

Fast food not fast enough for you? Well now you can get some of your shopping done on Amazon while you wait. Or maybe they are targeting the business class customer, you know - the kind of people that need to take high dollar customers out for power lunches and stream sales pitches to them.

All I'm saying is that for the price Arby's charges for their goods - they better be giving something away for free. Like expensive lighter-than-air bits. Oh gawd - it just came to me "I'm going to get a byte to eat". (argh)

One-Word Joke of the Day

The one and possibly only "one-word joke of the day":

Dislexyc

And as an added bonus - the reminder of the day:
"The reply all button: think before you push."

But wait, there's more! The random observation of the day:

My coffee cup lid looks like the face of an angry alien who is silently yelling at me.

Frostbite Blues

My kinda band... though, for some reason they didn't like my tagline for them "Frostbit Blues: not just a tragic medical condition anymore". Of course it does occur to me that a pointed criticism (undeserved) could be derived: "Frostbit Blues: a tragic affliction affecting the extremities, especially the ears."

160 Proof Vodka

WARNING: Add water, fruit juice, soda or your own selection of beverage. Do not drink full proof.

Should you ever want to put alcohol in perspective, ponder if you have ever (intentionally) put anything else flammable in your body. And no, bread doesn't burn that well - this theory has been tested.

Negative One

A first of the year for me - thought I'd share...

How to Develop a God Complex

Do you have a menial job? Are you a cube dweller? Are you low person on the totem pole? Have you ever wished you could convince yourself you were a deity in order to feel better, but just didn't know how? Well here's my foolproof plan.

Step one, get yourself some peas. Fresh, steamed peas are the best, but properly cooked frozen are acceptable (canned is right out unless you are truly desperate). On a flat, clean surface (you may want to prep with saran wrap) line the peas up into a rank and file of your choosing.

Now, take pick up one pea at random with your fingers, drop it in your mouth and pin it between your tongue and the roof of your mouth. Now suck hard until the pea pops, squirting pea goo onto your tongue and leaving behind the sad, empty husk. Repeat with another pea.

While doing this, imagine as vividly as possible that the peas are a race of tiny green beings that you are sacrificing to your whim. Make up dialog where some of the pea-people say "no, no please... I have a family" and you say "they are next!"... or as you pick one up it says "but why?" and you say "Because. My ways are mysterious and ineffable!".

For bonus realism play a tribal drum track in the background. You can also decorate the "sacrificial arena" with votive candles - with toothpicks stuck in them upon which some whole peas are skewered.

Continue to eat them until there are only a few left. Dub these your "chosen peas", take them outside, and drop them in the garden. Revel in the fact that although you are at the mercy of forces greater than yourself - you are the sole power over the pea-people!

Tell me you don't feel better... and my god complex therapy isn't just a great stress reliever - it's healthy for you too! Remember, they recommend you eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables per day! This exercise is also great for children, but watch out if they start turning up in your bedroom watching you sleep while wearing a green cape. I'm just saying...

The Face of Temptation

Every time I drive by the massive hole they have dug in the side of the road for these new giant drainage pipes I get the urge to drive into the chasm. I'm betting my car would dissapear clean out of sight. But there is another temptation - orders of magnitude stronger - to climb into one of these pipes and start running it across the parking lot like an over-sized gerbil. I'm thinking there is room for quite a few people side-by-side. And what, you ask, would happen if you lose your footing? Ever put a pair of sneakers in the dryer?

Wanted: discrete companion with steady hands and a video camera that works well at night.

A Great Place to Work

At first I thought the sign was all propoganda... then I realized that both holders worth of applications were cleaned out. Either Denny's really is the place to be, or the employees took them all in a bizarre attempt at job security... but in the latter case it would mean that they really want to be there. I'm in on that hot little piece of property though - I bribed the cashier $20 to get me a stashed copy of the application form. Eat your heart out suckers ;)

It was a good meal though - we had a really perky and engaging server. Turns out it was his first official night there, so that explains why his soul had yet to be crushed by the endless waves of drunk, obnoxious customers who are Denny's patrons. We consider ourselves amusing, but had to be annoying with our incessant pleas for custom menu items (what, you don't have prickly-pear salad?) and demands for "more stuff smothered in gravy". By the time we left I was thinking they needed to expand into symbiotic services - think "Denny's: 24 hour diner and angioplasty"...

The Signs of 2007

I was walking along, and there it was - a devine message! 2007 is going to be a good year. I called it. I'll take credit for everything good that comes from 2007...

Why Cats are Funny

Speaking of cats, here is a smaller, cuter (less nightmarish) cat to remind you why we keep them around...

The Wierdest Goundhog I've Ever Seen

Alright, this wasn't really taken today... but a helpful tip, if you are drinking anywhere but a wine event and see something like this - stop. As point of fact, this is the Hazlitt Red Cat. He may not be able to predict that global warming is going to curtail this half-assed winter, but he makes a wine with mystical powers - and he could quickly dispatch that famous, sciaphobic rodent if he so chose.

From what I hear, Punxsutawney Phil has only predicted an early spring (as he did this year) 14/110 times - the previous time being in 1999. Evidently there are at least 16 other groundhogs famous for their forecasting. This doesn't include Claude the Crawfish of Louisiana (I always knew they were a bit off down there). Getting back to the point, I propose to compare Phil and Red Cat via their poetry. Let's see what Phil has to offer:

El Nino has caused high winds, heavy snow, ice and freezing temperatures in the west.
Here in the East with much mild winter weather we have been blessed.

Global warming has caused a great debate.
This mild winter makes it seem just great.

On this Groundhog Day we think of one thing.
Will we have winter or will we have spring?

On Gobbler's Knob I see no shadow today.
I predict that early spring is on the way.

Hmmm. Boooring. How about Red Cat?

Red Cat. Red Cat.
It's an aphrodisiac.
Red Cat. Red Cat.
It'll get you in the sack.

I think we have a winner.

At Least They Removed the Head

I enjoy sushi. I love the presentation... the flavor... the homogeneous mingling of flavors you get when you pop it in your mouth... but this is a bit much, don't you think. This eel roll is easily identifiable because it looks like it was created by baiting a plate of rice with wasabi, waiting for a stray eel to slither up on it AND LOPPING IT'S HEAD OFF. Viola - unagi roll. Sure, this technically passes my "I don't eat anything that is staring at me" guideline... but it's about the spirit of the rule.