Odd Combinations

Drink cooler slash fire pit. Good idea on paper, but just weird in practice.

A Whole New World

This is the class home-ec should have had.

German Diner?

You know what pisses me off about the Nazis... well, other than genocide and global war... the way they ruined some things for us all. Take the swastika - a 3000 year old symbol of Dharmic religions... nobody can use it now without being looked at funny. Here's a few other things I'm ticked that they ruined:

• Tiny moustaches (It's about the only facial hair I could have grown)
• Indicating "he was about yay high" when talking about tall people
• Guys named Sam Smith getting their initials tattooed on their arm
• My faith in humanity
• Knee-high boots

One last thing they ruined: the ability to laugh about a lot of things. The war was so terrible and far reaching - the topic so serious - you can't make jokes about a lot of things. Now I'm a guy that likes to be lighthearted about damn near anything - so that pisses me off. We should take a stern look at history and consider re-writing it to cast the Nazis in less of a good light. Wait... scratch rewriting history - that would be silly...

Sinner's Hospital for Children?

A Freudian slip, or parapraxia, is an error in speech or memory that is believed to be caused by the unconscious mind. Some errors might appear to be trivial or bizarre, but may show some deeper meaning on analysis. Freudian slip is not limited to a slip of the tongue - it can extend to our word perception where we might read word incorrectly because of our fixations.

Sad Gift of the Year 2006

Nothing says "I didn't want to spend much money on you or really put thought into what you like" quite like giving lottery tickets for Christmas. Did I give you $5 worth of paper? Did I give you millions of dollars? Did I give you the OCD pleasure of scraping gold wax off with a nickel? When you receive one of these custom-made lottery gift envelopes you just don't know! Sure someone we know just won $45 million. But it isn't you. It will never be you. the lotto makes me shake my head as it is - but this? It is just sad. Can the holidays be any more exploited? Remember: "You can't lose continually if you don't play". Although it does give me an idea... If I could create scratch-off Sudoku, I would make a fortune!

Merry Christmas everybody!
(your lotto tickets are in the mail)

Holiday Values

Am I the only one disturbed by this? This gem was prominently displayed in an Eckerd's window.

Holiday Hawk

Jingle bells jingle bells hmm hmm hmm hmm

Ralph the Wonder Lobster

At three pounds, Ralph was the chosen one. None of the tank dwellers understood what this meant until it was too late!

Evolution

Millions of years of evolution - for what? We have clawed our way to dominate this planet using nothing but two crooked digits and a swollen frontal lobe. How far have we come? For all that struggle, we remain monkeys. Monkeys in neck ties and khakis staring at a glowing piece of glass for 8 hours a day. What's the difference between monkeys flailing a branch and playing golf? One of the branches costs $300 and is made of spun graphite. Just look at it this way:

• Software engineers = monkeys with good grammar


• Politicians = monkeys flinging poo


• News reporters = monkeys at desks (sans pants)


• War = monkeys with machine guns


• Bloggers = monkeys on soap boxes


• Fighter jets = flying monkeys

It's not easy to face - but it's true. Next time you are stuck in a traffic jam, or trapped in a meeting that has no purpose, or permanently losing the higher frequencies of your hearing at a bar - picture the people around you as they really are - little monkeys who assume they have changed in the past millennia (unless we are talking about those drunk frat boys - they don't bother putting up a front).

Pony in a Box

"Daddy, for Christmas I want a pony." How many times has this happened to you? Well, if you don't have children, hopefully not too often (time to sell the cargo van). Well for those who wish to "technically" fulfill your child's wildest dream - Hasbro brings you Butterscotch the techno-pony. Standing around 9 hands this robo-equine can hold up to 80 lbs on it's back! Don't worry about messy hay around the house - "Butters" runs on 6 D-cells. Comes with grooming brush, rubber carrot, and real sample of horse manure (to show little Kathy why she doesn't want a _real_ pony).

The box states "Really comes to life!" Now, is it just me, or would this thing sitting in the corner scare the hell out of you once the lights go out? For a mere $300 "pony motion", "pony sounds", and "pony friendship" can be yours! Have we learned nothing? Playing god starts with Butterscotch - and it ends with ED-209. Be warned.

BTW - what's up with JonBenét in the photoshoot?

Time Person of the Year!

For my outstanding contribution to the web community - I was chosen as Time magazine's person of the year!

It's true - I'm Time's person of the year... then again, I'm more accurately tied with millions of other people. The physical cover is pretty neat (see above) because in the screen they put a mylar mirror so you could see yourself. This did cause a bit of confusion since I picked up this edition first thing in the morning and wondered why they had chosen Don King - and more importantly, why was he white? After combing my hair I returned to reading the article.

It turns out that one of the most influential forces of 2006 was the realization of "Web 2.0" - perhaps the dumbest name ever for the groundswell of individuals that are creating content on the Internet. Video, audio, and of course blogs are bringing diverse perspectives outside of the standard, homogenized media channels. YouTube was singled out as a real driver of this movement in the magazine. The editor does briefly concede that there is more than a small percentage of "flaming cantaloupe" type videos to counter-balance those raw feeds from Baghdad.

So I head over to Time.com to download a picture of the cover (to share the news of my selection with you fine people)... I clicked through to the current edition and there was one of those annoying inter-page ads. Not just a basic one, oh no, a full-blown video add. But what's this? What does the blasphemous advertisement say?

Que footage of the Chrysler weaving through the streets of a city - and then:

...but you can drive like you are.

Heyyy - but I _am_ person of the year. Wait, does this mean I should be driving a Sebring. (sigh) Here I am slaving away at the keyboard to become someone - I finally succeed, and I find out I still have to keep up with the Joneses. I guess I can't truly join the ranks of Ted Turner, Bill Clinton, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Bill Gates until I own a Sebring like they do. Who knew the _other_ Pope-mobile was made in the U.S. (Pope John Paul II - selected 1994)? Well, if I bought the car as they suggest I know I would have something in common with at least one other selectee - 1928's "Man of the Year" Walter Chrysler (the title wasn't made P.C. until 1999).

I relish the heightened irony of this commercial obviously being custom placed before this article on Time's own website. It's ads like this that make my job as a sarcastic smart-ass easy :)

Redneck Bar B Que

While this place is called "Redneck", the sign graphics promised a tidy themed restaurant. That's exactly what we found inside - a fresh, well decorated experience. The food was delicious (though I was ready to eat my napkin by the time it made it out)...

I did get a bit cold though and went to my car - it is then that I noticed that there were two single-wide trailer homes adjacent to the parking lot. Deducing from the surrounding area, I presume the proprietors of Rednecks lived there. That, or they were purchased for ambiance. You can just make out one of the trailers in the picture.

While I maintain that this is amusing, some may criticize my disdain for trailer homes. Allow to me to expound on my feelings. I believe in the need for affordable houses - so anyone can have a home that is their own. What I disagree on is the need for such houses to be made of paper mache.

To be fair, I took a break in writing this to research "manufactured homes". They were re-named because when's the last time you heard of someone putting the wheels back on and relocating one of these? So having read some, I can see why these are appealing - the average single-wide is 1,000 square feet and costs around $24,000 _new_. This means you can buy a two bedroom home for about he cost of a new car. And from experience, it is easier to live in just about anything than your car.

I tried to look up a cheaper, better solution - geodesic/monolithic domes - concrete - cinderblock - anything. The best you get is a superior home for about the cost of an average stick-built home (if note a shade _more_ expensive). But look at the manufactured home technology - the whole thing is built (almost mass-produced) indoors on an assembly line. The efficiencies of process and scale are mind-boggling compared to building something on-site. If you could build it a bit sturdier perhaps - but alas, it isn't cheap to ship concrete walls.

So, frustratingly, I don't have a better answer to affordable housing - but I still can identify the downside to manufactured homes... I get most of these from my mother because as an infant I lived in one for a while evidently.

• How do you make a trailer sound like a dog? Ever seen a house on fire? Now picture that structure made lighter, with more plastic, with a really good draft under it.
• Mobile homes - while lighter - do not float in a flood. I have seen this first hand.
• Speaking of natural disasters - trailers seem to be magnets for the wrath of god. This is probably not because they are statistically more likely to get hit by something - it's just that they are more likely to blow away. (Though in the name of science we should do a study on sinner percentages in manufactured vs. standard homes before drawing conclusions)

Beware!

Global Warming

Note the destinct lack of snow in the background. The average high temperature for our area over the past 30 years is 37 degrees. The highest temperature in the nation today is 85 in Kahului, Hawaii. WTF on the weather? Geologic time-scale fluctuations, or "Global Warming"? What's the funny part? IDK - maybe shorts in the middle of December. Maybe it is that I mowed my lawn Friday in short sleeves and was sweating...

No Pulse

Man with no pulse considered a medical breakthrough -
A 65-year-old Quebec man who received a new long-term mechanical heart last month is being described as the only living Canadian without a pulse. Dr. Renzo Cecere implanted the “Heartmate II” mechanical heart into Gerard Langevin in a three-hour operation Nov. 23. Officials at the McGill University Health Centre say the device, which is about the size of a flashlight battery, could last up to 10 years. That is longer than other models which are thought to be good for only two or three years. The new mechanical heart, which is powered by batteries located in pouches on Mr. Langevin's body, provides a continuous flow of blood so the patient has no pulse. (The Globe and Mail www.theglobeandmail.com 12/11/07)

• Doctors warn heavy sleepers that are receiving the new devices to be careful about falling asleep in public. This is after two gentleman fell asleep - on the subway and the other on a park bench - and woke up in the morgue.
• One recommended solution is to tattoo "I'm not dead" on the left side of your chest.
• This also shows how technology effects culture as the phrase "be-still my beating heart" gives way to "disconnect the batteries to my non-beating heart" in valentines cards.
• Shall we consider the article's title for a moment - medicine has been producing patients with no pulse for hundreds of years but we never considered it reason to celebrate.
• So do you think there is _any_ chance of this guy being able to make it through airport security?

Ransom

to wHoM iT MaY ConCErn, i HAvE ThIs gUy IN mY BAseMent. if yOu EvEr WAnt Him tO sEe dAyLIgHt AgaIn, LeAvE 4 cASes oF uNmaRKed, nOn-SEqUEntIaL cOoKieS BeHiNd tHe QuIcKMaRt gAS sTaTIOn bY THe aIr HoSe. mAKe IT a nIcE BLenD Of bOrDeaUX, MILanO, aNd gEnEvA. trY AnYthIng fUNny anD HE gETs DeFlaTed.

Tips for Tractor Boy

While warming up my toes from cutting the Christmas tree last weekend, I noticed an odd collection tin sitting on the table... "tips for tractor boy"? Now, I thought it was funny wording (thus it made it here) but I have to admit, I knew exactly what it was saying.

I don't think there is a more succinct way of saying "tips for the young guy that picked you up in the trailer out in the field and fork-lifted your tree back". All I'm saying is that it could be taken the wrong way... such as "a collection to help pay for long-term care for the local kid that got into an industrial accident and now can't wipe his own nose". Or possibly "tips to help us save enough money to buy our son back from indentured service to the sideshow". Man I wish I had enough time and talent to whip up a classic circus poster spotlighting "Tractor Boy" - sidelined by "Combine Kid".

Holy sighting

I came to the bar looking for a drink and ended up finding Jesus. Turns out our savior is more a "water to beer" kinda dude.

WiMax and Radar

The wireless industry views WiMax as the next big thing, a technology with great promise to deliver broadband to homes and offices less expensively than wired connections. But proliferation of the new commercial long-range wireless systems could cause problems for Defense Department radar systems, which operate in the same frequency bands, top DOD officials said at the ACEA DOD Spectrum Summit Dec. 6. White House and National Telecommunications and Information Administration (NTIA) officials said commercial wireless systems present opportunities and challenges for DOD, adding that the United States needs to find ways to share frequencies. (Federal Computer Week www.fcw.com 12/07/06)

So what's this mean for the military? Here's my take:

Meanwhile, on the other side of the globe:

The left handed strike!

Pink Razor Phone

So I fired up Google image search to find a picture of a Razor phone... "why" is a discussion for another day... being very technologically savy and experienced in the internet environment, I craft a precise query phase - "razor phone". I hit search and 0.05 seconds later (yes it tells you) I get these results.

Now let me say that Google's algorithms are amazing (only slightly less so when you put it in context of how many PhD's they employ) but it has it's weak moments. Please refer to the "pink razor phone" in the bottor right corner.

One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn't belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Did you guess which thing was not like the others?
Did you guess which thing just doesn't belong?
If you guessed this one is not like the others,
Then you're absolutely...right!

Good Proportions

Bad Proportions

Um, buddy - I think you lost the whole "my Hummer makes me masculine" vibe. You could have saved face and hidden that in the glove compartment...

Paying My Water Bill

RULES OF DECORUM WILL BE OBSERVED IN THIS FACILITY

My first thought was... well to be frank, it was "what an odd sign". Then I wondered "what kind of decorum"? Military decorum? I thought that was silly until I noticed even Santa was saluting... And look, he has the rules right there in his hand! Anyone that points out he is using the wrong hand to salute with gets coal.

To look at it more critically, the sign doesn't really say that you have to behave. It doesn't say "you will display decorum" - merely that it will be observed. Perhaps the service personel are the ones that will display it for you. That would seem true if they interpreted "decorum" as "icy cold reception and detachment". Perhaps they hire thespians to come in on Wednesdays and put on a show of decorum. I was there on Tuesday.

And remember what Santa says kids:

Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori

Deer Collisions

Each year, there are more than 1.5 million crashes involving deer, causing an estimated $1.1 billion in vehicle damages, 150 lives lost, and more than 10,000 injuries.

A report called "Methods to Reduce Traffic Crashes Involving Deer: What Works and What Does Not," commissioned by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety (IIHS) has shown that there are few viable solutions to reducing deer-car collisions. That's why news of a breakthrough technology to help drivers avoid deer - even after sunset (the most dangerous time) - is making news. The advance took the merging of several scientific disciplines and is the result of a partnership between 3M, Dupont, and GENCOR.

They call it "LumaDeer©". By combining OLED and photovoltaic technology with genetic material from bioluminescent squid and white-tail deer, scientists have produced a small number of glowing deer. Genetically altered herds are being released to breed with wild populations and spread the genes.

Thomas Howser of 3M says "the modification of the deer increases safety, reduces insurance costs, and actually helps the animals". He points to the deer's new ability to forage well past dusk, increasing avalable food sources. Howser does note that the herds are "more vulnerable during hunting season". Legislation is being planned to limit sportsmen to hunting during daylight hours.

Mandarin Oranges

I am fascinated with processing / manufacturing lines. I enjoy playing a game of "how did they make this" - but one thing that has always mystified me has been canned mandarin oranges. The wedges are so fragile - and they are _peeled_. Not just the skin - but the little membrane around each wedge. My leading theory was a sweatshop full of children (small fingers). Well - hold on to your pants: I finally have an answer (and it will surprise you)!

It turns out according to this answer site that the "solution" is very base-ic...

...mandarins are first scalded (in hot water) to loosen the peel, then they are soaked in a lye solution, which digests away the albedo and membranes. Then the sections are washed in several rinses of plain water to clean them up.

Fascinating, yet disturbing... talk about a chemical peel! How plausible is this? Well it is the best explaination I've heard - and the poster on AnswerBag doesn't seem the type to lye.

Dating with Style Tip #47

I have friends that are "on the dating scene" and I feel for them. From what I can tell, guys like the one that put out this ad are in seriously short supply. If you are looking for someone - be patient, they are out there. If you are trying to sell yourself - take notes from this 28 yo SWM from Tampa...

I just got a chuckle after previewing this post... the ad is so big that it is readable even in the thumbnail. This guy is good.

Be the Right Person and You Will End Up in My Heart
Do the wrong thing, and you'll end up on my blog. "Indoorsy" MWM seeks readership with exquisitely refined appreciation of humor. Likes long ramblings about the mundane, and battle-dancing. Right fit must understand sarcasm. Literacy optional (there are pictures). Contact at http://frostymoments.blogspot.com/

I Am Not a Monster...

... I am a man! But I had to share this cartoon from the archives of CTRL+ALT+DEL. It is a gamer / geek cartoon of quality. I won't tell you how long I spent one night reading their cartoons from #1 on... all of them. Why am I so pasty white again? Hmmm - you know, I never thought about how that aspect of me ties into my nickname...

Dealing with the Verbose

You may have noticed that I'm getting more long-winded every day. To accomodate this I put in a "teaser" feature. It is easiest to see in action, so if you would be so kind as to click on the "full post" link to the right... it will take you to the dedicated post page where you can read the rest of my ramblings.

Not earth-shattering, but nifty enough. Do keep in mind that the best part of the post might be in the "full post" section - including the picture - so it is worth checking out. Now, off I go to chop down some of the recent looooong posts. Remember, if there is anything that would make this website more user-friendly for you, let me know!

Oh, and if anyone really cares, this was done via a modification of the method presented by Ramani on the Hackosphere blog. Let me tell you, it was not an easy process on the whole, but it may never have happened without the tutorial found there.

A Cat Named "Bell"

The ASPCA does not approve of using household pets - no matter how lazy - as doorbells for your office. Yes, we know they are effective and attractive additions to your entry-way... but feline doorbell devices and careless door slamming lead to 75 blindings per year!

Apocalyptic Weather

The weather reports warned of an end-times deluge today. Schools were closed. People that live by creeks put on their rubber waders. Sure, low-lying areas can now be used for shrimp farming, but look at the sky we were treated to afterwords! The low clouds were scuttling by quickly playing peek-a-boo with the blues and pinks of the magic-hour sky.